


the daily life of hell's most exhausted janitor and heaven's tackiest guardian angel

by the_nerd_youre_looking_for



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: F/F, Gen, Original Character-centric, POV Original Character, also lamps, and she loves people and everything so Much, but shes babey, did i mention she's a moth, she gets in trouble with heaven a lot which isnt fun, she has her little cart and a closet so she's good, she's not very nice or happy with her life in hell but hey, then theres the guardian angel, this is my self indulgent ass writing little ficlets about this oc i made up, well moth demon u know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-08-09 19:01:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20123290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_nerd_youre_looking_for/pseuds/the_nerd_youre_looking_for
Summary: Meet Ailanthus. Our moth enthusiasts will recognize that an ailanthus webworm is, in fact, a species of moth. This is neither a coincidence or an accident. She is Hell's janitor, a fate that is either her eternal punishment or all of Hell's. She does not regret Falling, as she thinks Heaven and their humans suck. It's just that she's dissatisfied with her position down Below. By dissatisfied, she means fucking furious.Meet Ophanim. She has been assigned to be a guardian angel for those that seem destined for Hell. She acts as a life coach and gets their souls back on track for Heaven. Of course, she always means to be purely professional, but it's just that humans are so interesting and they invent the niftiest little things! How could she not get attached to one or two? She's in trouble for that more often than she would like to admit.One day, unlikely as it is, they meet.





	1. mild annoyances

**Author's Note:**

> Hey gang! I decided to write a fic about some ocs I made because I felt like it. I like them, so there we are. This is purely self indulgent because cringe culture is dead and all that good stuff

Hell was, Ailanthus decided, shit. 

She thinks Heaven is equally shit too, she just happens to live in Hell, so she is better acquainted with its version of shit. As far as she could tell, Hell shit was demons murdering each other with no regard for the mess they make, screaming coming in through the ventilation system, the damn heat constantly (most demons think she's weird because she wears light colors. She thinks she's smart), and, worst of all, a completely unfair ranking system. That was how she ended up here, after all. 

If you'd asked Ailanthus, right before she Fell, what she expected to be doing after she was forcibly removed from God's eternal love and grace, she would respond in a typical fashion. She would be on this new Earth, sowing discord and sin among all the humans, and show God just how weak and stupid She made them, and that Her ethereal creations were clearly the better ones. Then, after she answered, if you told her that she would spend the rest of eternity unclogging toilets and picking up hellhound poo, she'd laugh. You'd have been right, of course, but it was such a ridiculous possibility that she wouldn't consider it as a serious thought at all. After all, while she didn't play a huge role during the Rebellion, she played a part. She fought, she deliberately joined forces with Lucifer, and she willingly opposed God and Her angels. Unlike some. 

Crowley was, in Ailanthus's informed and not at all biased opinion, the worst demon down in Hell. Or the best. Whichever was the most devastating insult to a demon. That snakey bastard didn't even _mean _to Fall, he just thought himself a cool kid and stuck his nose around a bit. And somehow _he's _the one up in Eden and becoming a religious figure symbolizing the devil, temptation, and Original Sin. She isn't saying that it should be her up there, just someone who knew what they were ogetting into, maybe. Someone who was a half-decent demon. She didn't mind him so much in the first couple of days after the Fall. Both of them had to get used to having bodily modifications, him with his snake eyes and her with her moth eyes and proboscis. He wasn't so bad _then_, but he just had to go and act like he was flaming hot shit all the time. Which was why, in her role as janitor, she quite liked to make his times Downstairs just that much more irritating. 

"You mind getting a bit of a bloody move on? I've got a meeting with Lord Beelzebub about the Antichrist situation and you know how they get when you're late." Crowley complained, staring at the slowly dissolving demon carcass in front of him. Or maybe he was just looking at the floor. You couldn't tell with those ridiculous sunglasses. 

"Can't. Takes a while for it to get soft enough so I can chop it up." Ailanthus stood behind it, a very pleased expression on her face. Of course, the demon hadn't exactly been discorporated lying across the hallway, but she'd dragged it along that way. "Won't get down the garbage disposal otherwise."

"Couldn't you do it somewhere else?"

"Well I can't move it now. You could've come in earlier."

"Traffic was backed up and I had to stop and get coffee." Crowley sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Why don't you just magic it gone, hm?"

"If we did that all the time, I'd be out of a job." Ailanthus tapped the body with the toe of her boots, just to check. She really _did _have to get it down the disposal, that much wasn't lying. She could go and do it now. She'd had the acid on it long enough, definitely, but it's not like he was going to know. "I'm sure you didn't need your 'coffee'. You don't _need _to drink anything."

"You're just having a good laugh now. I'll let them know you held me up."

"Maybe I am. You wanna step in acid?" She made a grand, sweeping gesture at the body. "Go ahead."

"Also, would it kill you to brush your hair? Like, once in your life?" Crowley ran a hand through his own hair, as if fearing the knots and tangles were contagious. 

"What does that have to do with anything? Go take another way to your fucking meeting." Ailanthus kicked at the body again, and decided it was time to wrap it up, literally and figuratively. It just made the job more difficult if it was all mushy. 

"I will, and if they get on my ass about being late, I'm blaming you..." Crowley paused for a moment, in the middle of an accusatory point. "...moth girl." He finished lamely.

"You can't remember my name, you can't blame me for anything." She stuck the carcass in a bag and watched him _saunter _off, that Mr. High-And-Mighty. Not many demons actually remember her name, so it hardly registered at something she might be offended by. She was maintenance and lots of other demons were off sowing the seeds of discord and sin among the human folk. It was to her advantage, anyway. If no one could remember who the Heaven she was, no one could properly file a complaint against her. Most people went with "moth girl" anyway, or something to that effect. It didn't matter. Few years more and that stupid Earth would be done for and she'd be out fighting again. It would be _wonderful _to be doing something besides janitor work. 

But, in the meantime, janitor work it is. She hauled the body bag onto her cart and started towards the disposal room. Her cart always takes a while to get going in the right direction, as one of the wheels is always busted. This time, it's the top right, which makes it veer to the left every so often. It's a stupid and horrible cart that takes five times as long as it should to get anywhere, but it's _hers. _

Even as it swerved, and she had to kick it every three steps, she kept a small smile on her face. That snakey bastard was probably going to be late to his stupid meeting and get chewed out by Lord Beelzebub about it. Causing him any mild annoyance always put a pep in her step. As peppy as one can get down in Hell, of course.


	2. as per usual

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the other oc. She is babey

By the time the escalator reached the top floor, Ophanim had bitten her fingernails to the quick and was making work out of picking at her lips. It was rough, considering her nails were now considerably shorter, but anxiety makes one forget that.

She'd been called up to the head offices for another Talk on her behavioral problems. There were several problems that needed to be Talked about several times over her millennia on Earth. Stupid humans and their growing distrust for glowing ethereal figures and sage strangers on the side of the road. Stupid humans and their need for _emotional connections _to start forming trust. Being a guardian angel had been so much easier when she could just glow a little and tell good old Samuel to live a life of virtue and honesty and to cut back on the alcohol a bit. Nowadays, if you glow everyone assumes you've got a condition. Having to pretend to live as a human was very troubling and incredibly limiting at times, since her corporation was both female and black, but luckily she was never with a charge very long. A few years was enough to bring them back to Her. 

Technically, she wasn't allowed to get attached to her charges. Or fall in love with them. Or be invested in human things. Or research and be interested in learning about "false idols". Or care about how she looked. Or a great deal of other things she'd done. Ophanim knew she was a horrible angel, but the fact that Gabriel would just call her Up to have a Talk made it worse. She had been offered so many chances, she never knew whether it was the last one. She tried, she really did, but humans were just so...fascinating. They invented and built and created beauty in so many forms unlike what she knew in Heaven. They were really amazing and intellectual creatures, but the rest of the angels seem to think of them as points. Collect as many human souls as they could so they can prove how much better they are than Hell. And they were better, obviously, but there had to be some other way to show it.

"You're late." Was the first thing Gabriel said to her as she entered his office. It was large and white and empty, like the rest of Heaven, just behind a set of doors.

"I know, I'm so sorry, I tried to be early." She apologized, averting her gaze to the floor. "I don't have an excuse."

"I hope you have one for your little fling with one Ms. Elizabeth Barker." Gabriel's tone wasn't angry, simply irritated. Even still, they cut through Ophanim like knives.

"I...I don't. You know, these days, I've got to form an emotional connection with the human, otherwise they don't trust me!" She was getting panicky now, could tell it by the stream of words rushing out with no barrier. "And...and, it got carried away, I didn't mean to, I promise-"

"Ophanim." Gabriel cut her off. "Look at me."

She complied, lifting her eyes to meet his and seeing nothing but disappointment. 

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

He shook his head, crossing his arms behind his back. "You ought to be." He stated, matter of factly. "I mean, _how_ many times have we Talked about this? _You _never need to form any type of connection with the human. Act it. We've repeated this over and over again! What about that is so hard to grasp? Tell me what's so difficult to understand about that statement." He was met with only silence, and continued. 

"Ophanim, I don't understand how badly you can fail the simplest of tasks, time and time again. You were created with one very specific purpose: To find humans that are straying from the light of God and bring them back to Her. You take souls away from Hell and bring them to us. Your methods weren't specified, but you were not designed to love them _or _their worthless creations. I mean, goodness, just look at you!" He made a show of looking her over head to toe and back again. "I don't know if this is considered _professional _by human standards, but it is most certainly _not_ by ours."

She tried hard to not show visible hurt at that. All she was wearing was pink overalls and a striped shirt. It was pretty informal, even for humans, so it was definitely inappropriate for her to wear it to such an official meeting. She tried to make notes of these things, but she was so stupid, she kept forgetting everything. 

"You know what happens to angels who go against what they were meant to do, right?" Gabriel continued, a hint of a smile twitching at his lips.

"Please, no, I promise I'll do better, I promise, I mean it, I won't be bad anymore, please don't make me Fall." Ophanim fell to her knees and begged shamelessly, tears springing to her eyes. "I'm so sorry, I know I've been bad and sinful, I'll be better, I promise."

Gabriel rested a hand on the top of her head and smiled gently down at her. "Just because I'm so forgiving." He spoke in a softer voice now, one that almost brought a smile to Ophanim's face. "I'll give you one more chance. But you had better live up to your promises."

She nodded and stood up shakily, wiping the tears off her face. "Yes, I will! Thank you so much, I won't let you down!"

As she walked out of the office, a new spring in her step, Gabriel's voice floated out after her. 

"You'd better not."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can we get an f
> 
> She's trying her very best, gang


	3. duality: part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world keeps going and our friends here have different opinions on the matter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unrelated but is the notes from the first chapter supposed to be in the second one or is it being screwy

The world hadn't ended and Ailanthus was downright pissed about it.

She'd been all ready too, excited to get up there and cause some mayhem, to leave the cart in the supply closet and go be something besides the janitor. Something had felt..._off_ the whole time, but she'd ignored it, maybe it was just because of the whole Antichrist debacle, nothing serious. And then Lord Beelzebub came back from their visit up to Earth and announced that Armageddon just wasn't happening, not sorry, this is tougher on me than on you, no complaining, go back to work or you get fed to the hellhounds. Ailanthus hadn't been surprised to hear that it was the work of a handful of humans, Crowley and his stupid angel friend. The three things she hated the most: Humans, angels, and Crowley. She wasn't surprised to hear that they'd ruined her life yet again. She'd waited 6,000 years for this, she'd endured cleaning up so much shit for this moment, and now what? Just go back to it? 

Her only hope of catharsis was watching Crowley's trial. Ailanthus had taken a break from her duties to see the traitor die. He'd taken too much from her, in her humble opinion. He got a nice cushy job while she was stuck down here on her feet for eternity, and he stops the world ending for some selfish reason instead of thinking about anybody besides himself. Really, it was just coming for him. But she couldn't even have that. Due to his time on Earth or being around an angelic presence or _something_, he had...changed. He acted like holy water was nothing more than a nice little bath. She had watched with a growing pit of sickening horror in her stomach Crowley splashed around in the tub like he was just having the time of his life, only feeling more nauseous at the realization that she was going to have to clean that up. She was almost happy when Lord Beelzebub dismissed them all from the window. Ailanthus didn't know if she could watch any more of that grotesque display. 

A few hours later, she was patching up some leaky pipes when Lord Beelzebub pulled her aside.

"Look," they said, "there's still little puddles of the holy water in the courtroom. We really can't have it staying here, it'll evaporate eventually."

Ailanthus resisted the urge to sigh heavily or to impale Lord Beelzebub's head with her mop. "That'll be my job, won't it."

Lord Beelzebub nodded grimly and clasped their hands together. "Yes." They whispered. "And, if you do die doing this, then I want it to be known, that it'll be sincerely my bad." 

She stared blankly ahead, trying to quell the rising tide of pure terror. "Sure." She finally responded and shoved her cart out in the hall.

Not for the first time, she was glad moth eyes didn't show emotion. If she'd bothered to give herself a heart, it would be pounding itself out of her chest. There's only one thing a demon truly fears, and that's holy items. Crucifixes, churchyards, someone saying "bless you" after you sneeze, holy texts, all of them will harm a demon in some way or another. Reading from a Bible will make their throat and tongue burn, and a polite "bless you" after a sneeze will cause them to fall ill for a time. But none of them will kill them the way holy water can. Except a crucifix, but that's only if someone happened to stab a demon with one, and frankly, humans have been so convinced that just holding one out will repel demons, no one's thought up using it as a weapon. Holy water melts the body and erases the soul of a demon with just one touch of its blessed essence. And there's no afterlife for demons. 

This is how Ailanthus ended up kneeling on the ceiling of the courtroom, attempting to mop up the small puddles of holy water Crowley left behind and rethinking everything that lead up to this point. She seethed silently to herself about that snake bastard being an inconsiderate ass and what in Heaven did he think would come from splashing the holy water all over the damned place and how much she would like to force Lord Beelzebub to clean this up themselves instead of sending her out to do it, like they send her out to do everything that needs to be done and how she makes this place run smoothly and not a single fucking demon can be bothered to remember her name.

Wrath is a good sin for a demon to get in the practice of, and she was well-versed in it.

~*~

The world hadn't ended and Ophanim was downright elated about it.

Of course, while she'd still been up in Heaven preparing for the final fight, she pretended to be disappointed. She'd given a rather convincing "aw man, this sucks" before getting back to Earth as fast as she could to tell her current charge, Jack O'Reilly, that her business trip had been cancelled and she would actually be able to make it to their dinner plans. 

Ophanim willed her military uniform to become one of her regular colorful outfits the moment she exited the building, and resisted the urge to break into a run and scream and spin in the streets. She hadn't been able to truly enjoy Earth and all its wonders the last eleven years, as she was so concerned with getting to see everything before it ended that she hadn't taken a break from seeing to enjoy it. But now, even the haze of cars rumbling past her as she walked down a sidewalk covered with spit out gum and cigarette butts, it all seemed more glorious than ever before. Headlights blinded her, she bumped into people on her way down the street, and she did actually miss dinner with Jack, and the world was wonderful. The air smelled sweeter than it had before, and the few stars she could see in the city sky twinkled merrily. There was no way that this wasn't part of Her plan for this Earth. Ophanim couldn't see why God would create humans, love them, give them a beautiful planet to inhabit and fill with beautiful things, only to destroy it all in a bloody battle. She could see the care and reverence She put into this world in every dandelion growing from a crack in the pavement and in every ladybug that got into her apartment during the winter. If the other angels knew Earth like she did, they'd never destroy it. 

A few weeks later, she heard through office gossip that the principality Aziraphale had survived his execution. The details on it were a bit fuzzy, since no one but Gabriel, Uriel, and Sandalphon had been present and they tried to cover it up as much as possible. The knowledge that an angel of the Lord could be so influenced by demonic or earthly powers that they could survive stepping into hellfire would cause a panic. So far, all it had caused was a general sense of unease. Ophanim felt very mixed emotions about all of this. On one hand, the fact that Aziraphale had survived _hellfire _had some disturbing implications. For one, was an angel's ethereal essence malleable? Could a certain amount of a specific force shape it differently? Was simply being near a demon that dangerous? And what exactly _was_ an angel without their ethereal essence? But on the other hand, she felt very glad he was still alright. She'd met him once, when she had a charge in London a century or so ago. He'd been nice enough, and they'd chatted a while about his bookshop and the weather and small things. If she was honest with herself, which she rarely was, she was happy he was still alive and able to enjoy life on Earth for a while longer. 

A small _ping _from her computer snapped her eyes back into focus. There was a new assignment on the screen. A woman named Anne Daucourt, living in Nantes, France. Ophanim scanned the details of the case and jotted down key points in her notebook. Struggles with substance abuse, prone to fits of anger, divorced three times, takes frustrations out on others. Another case of get-to-know-them-and-convince-them-to-go-to-therapy. Helping humans get back on the right path had become quite a bit easier once they figured out ways to treat mental illnesses besides locking the poor people away. 

Ophanim downloaded the case file onto her phone, just in case she needed a review, and left the office, already thinking of her new name for the job. She used Opal a lot, but maybe she could change it up this time. Olivia, perhaps? Or just Olive? Not many names starting with an "o", now that she thinks about it. At least she'd be able to use her apartment in Paris for this assignment. She kept it just to store her excess things, and as a place to stay when she was between charges. 

Greed isn't becoming of an angel, and she often fears she's fallen prey to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They'll meet soon,,,don't worry

**Author's Note:**

> She is bastard


End file.
